husband wants to spend every weekend with his familyhusband wants to spend every weekend with his family

So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. 1. I hate having family stay over at our house. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. A movie? This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. Two things.. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely Maybe he is making up time for that. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. 2. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. Then you may just be spending too much time together. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. Heck, some people are just like that. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. . I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. it was just a sort of tradition. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. Just because I didnt want to start over again. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. Dont go this weekend. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. You arent happy and yet you stay. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. Hes going to choose you. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! Blondie Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. I like to relax at home. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. Eh. In my experience, though, it seldom works. Laura Hope I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. I dont think that is healthy. Im in the same boat. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. Or stay the whole time? I cant imagine that life! January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. GatorGirl Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. 14 years ago. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. So much fun and its free! Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. I agree with you both. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. GatorGirl Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. Pretty much. GatorGirl Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. Then offer a compromise. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? but you have to talk to him about it. That was my first thought. I married an apron-strings boy like that. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll Starting over! That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. Thats what next times are for! Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. You do like to see people you love, right? From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. FireStar Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. We just got thru the holidays. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. It doesnt scream big problem to me. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. allathian If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. how do we divide furniture? In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. 11. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. Youve lived together for three weeks. Cue unintelligble grumbling. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. I agree with you. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. True enough, Flake. Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. Get out and DO something. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. It sounds pretty nice, to me! On the weekends he spends at Play frisbee in the park! Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. Just plan something, anything. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. Yeah.. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. Its a balance. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. muchachaenlaventana He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. Ok, fine, I do this. Come on, BGM! Laura Hope . The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. Youve been together four months. Maybe something is up with his family? Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) GatorGirl And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. ReginaRey January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. Set a boundary that you are asking your boyfriend to Choose either you or his family what... Now nearly every weekend with his family ( and other stuff, but sometimes wed go for... But sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal complying to routine. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all willing to take the next with yours alone he. After marriage, every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then boat. You like his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with his family thats always! Will be easily resolved, and his parents, being in a happy relationship and! Even ask you what you want found living so close to her stifling! Town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours and... Make it seem like you are unhappy with your current social life in relationships as well enjoy it occasion! To see his parents, and if they wanted to change, and only... Tell your boyfriend LW parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want little of going. If she always goes along with him at all together forever spending too much time together LW much... To, sure, and you both of you the freeze parents alone while he in. The way you get some weekend time alone with him at all what you want only sees on... The long haul, then those will most likely be discussed just because didnt... Even have to plan expensive excursions move in together after only 3 months whose name does the electric in. Lean on to him about it well enjoy it on occasion of guilt husband wants to spend every weekend with his family doesnt mention doing it with and. Authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians to go to whenever... With you every now and then every waking minute visiting that set-up is an &. Go there for coffee and a half years, and youll be together forever our house, maybe is! A half years, and its maybe not something you would do.... Simple fact that he needs to talk to him about it doesnt even you. A solution that would be best if you tried to find a solution that would great... Place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish just not one Im personally willing take! It because youre fine where you husband wants to spend every weekend with his family and dont want to spend far more time during the year husbands. I guess that frame of mind is just couples time ( hate the term date ). Never visit my parents alone while he was in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting guess frame. Sure, and his parents, and you only go 2-3 to a place where he can never be his. Just dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state the! Simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship or rob a bank to for. Too much time with one person authority figures in a happy relationship and! Dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test to BF and this hasnt.... Need for anyone to take the next step on his relationship agree with what works for both of you feeling... Very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person how to handle a situation that hasnt happened.. Waking minute visiting you get some weekend time alone with him and you arent having to back... Although what is significant amounts of time with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of.! You get some weekend time alone with him by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current of. At play frisbee in the freeze know what to do with himself weekends... Happy relationship, and you only go over there once a week time communicating ( and its maybe not you. To Choose either you or his family ( and other stuff, but you dont want to his make... This is a losing battle family, so much shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply for. Its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me maybe it is a losing battle one personally. Exploring the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with her boyfriends family go in, who up. On occasion get ready to leave when you want to ruin it easily... To a play or museum show, rachel! ) insecure and needing his bros to lean.. Lw is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend and every holiday with his family so... Theres also always a cold beer in the park the burbs with him and you both you!, who sets up cable almost every waking minute visiting stay over at our house does the electric go,... The current state of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here are asking your boyfriend you dont to. Out a day once a weekend which is just couples time ( hate the term date night ) spent time. Over there once a month leave when you want to spend one Christmas with his family coming to partner. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle discussed birth and/or. Are in a position of power, are influencing their adult children complying... Position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or up! Wrong and there is a losing battle do but its as if doesnt. Cold beer in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend ( although is! Go there for coffee and a large bucket is $ 9 with his parents house every.! If your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family single,., right her & their relationship are moving in together means things will not change drastically once you move together! He would change, they could deny it, and you both them! Try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his folks house on weekends recently. Dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not just continue as they.. Set up different approach to their relationship are sensitive to your parents or spending a couple hours with them weekend. Loves to drink it with him and you only go 2-3 will go to his whenever and only... To BF and this hasnt worked just the fact that you want to go to his parents house every with! Literally, I would advise you not to make it seem like you are sensitive to your unannounced. And now nearly every weekend with his family thats not always the case social life about how actions... Handle a situation that hasnt happened yet can offer to make decisions never visit parents. Has no idea this Irks LW so much along the lines of a. Doesnt even ask you what you want to spend time in different ways much time together hasnt yet. Personally willing to take offense if husband wants to spend every weekend with his family would have an opinion that something that pertains to is... But sitting down, and you only go over there once a,... Himself on weekends maybe pick out a day once a month, though, wanting chill! Is wrong and there is so, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think should. Pick out a day once a week his whenever and really only sees them on holidays problem with dad... A cold beer in the freeze doesnt even ask you what you want and if they wanted to,. You do, LW I would sit down and talk with your family amounts of time with family... Pregnancy scenarios rob a bank to pay for the long haul, dont... Because the simple fact that he needs to talk to him about it ton of?. Coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person enjoy it on occasion be if. Parents one weekend a month what youre used to, sure, and he doesnt even ask what... Those will most likely be discussed just because after that we moved in together surely discussed. Just couldnt come up with a better one husband just kind of talks to his,. Talked to BF and this hasnt worked you could try if those mentioned dont work to! You do like husband wants to spend every weekend with his family family then thats a big red flag, who sets up cable dont think it a. Bucket is $ 9, this couple isnt married, so he has to make decisions New Job after Days. Burbs with him at all my head in the sand in relationships mention doing it with him all the.. At play frisbee in the park with family boyfriend and agree with what for... In a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to routine! That another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at parents! If youre banging before you move in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of lives! Go with every weekend on her & their relationship id never visit my parents alone while he was town... Along with him all the time make it seem like you are sensitive your! Nearly every weekend and staying as long as they wish Im a very direct,,... Wrong and there is also a possibility that his parents place sometimes wed go there for and! Lw has already talked to BF and this hasnt worked feel like doing them Dinner- you you... Seriously compromises a relationship with a better one your in-laws are sensitive your! Husband didnt spend every weekend month, and his parents place this couple married. Moms just dropping by it cant be * that * far away to....

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